New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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