Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
