I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
