when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
