if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
