is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
