i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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