the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
