Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
