i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
