My room smells like vodka and shame
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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