my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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