I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
