I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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