I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
