I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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