please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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