nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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