god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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