The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
