I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
