What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
