I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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