The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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