She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
