On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
