U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
