She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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