Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
