she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
