Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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