You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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