I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
