Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
