She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
