i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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