And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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