So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
