I cannot find my penis.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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