someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
