I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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