He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
