That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
