You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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