Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
