Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
