Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
