I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
