I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
