its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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