I wish I only lived at night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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