I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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