I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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