is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
