apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
