This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
