my phone needs a breathalizer
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
